Jesus Knows

I was recently asked by a sweet friend to write a blog about our adoption journey. Kailey, thanks for making me sit down and write out this chapter of our story. I’ve had the joy of getting to know Kailey through social media over the last year. She has walked a similar path as us with infertility and she is an adoptive Mama too! Check out her blog and read about her adoption journey. She’s the real deal, y’all.

I wanted to share what I wrote on my own blog as well. I first wrote about our infertility journey a little over a year ago, but here’s a bit of a re-fresher for the newbies with our adoption journey mixed in.

“Jesus Knows.”

A simple phrase I have found myself repeating during the last several years.

My husband Scott and I just celebrated 6 years of marriage. In my perfect world, we would already have 2 (maybe 3) kids. We began trying shortly after our 3rd anniversary. I thought I would be just like everyone else and get pregnant quickly. It didn’t take long for me to realize my story wouldn’t be “just like everyone else” — Or that “everyone else” didn’t necessarily have it as easy as I assumed they did.

Infertility was something to which I was previously naive. I never imagined it would be the road Scott and I would find ourselves. Months went by with pregnancy tests screaming a big fat NEGATIVE at me. About one year into our journey, we decided it was time to get things checked out. We both dove right into the world of tests, blood work, the dreaded HSG test, and ultrasounds. As we got all of our test results back, we found ourselves in the unexplained infertility category. I never even knew there was such a thing (like I said, naive). Our doctor recommended we try IUI a few times before moving on to more intense treatments. We took some time to pray about it and felt an incredible peace about going the IUI route.

I will never forget getting the call about our first IUI results. I was at work, checking my phone every two minutes, anxiously waiting for my results. The phone rang and my heart sunk into my toes. I anxiously answered, only to hear the nurse say “Ellie, your results were negative. I’m so sorry. Call us when your cycle starts back up and we will do another IUI.” That was it. Months of emotional frenzy had been interrupted by a few short weeks of hope and even for a brief moment, excitement, only to come to a screeching halt with a 13 second phone call. I went into a nearby room, fell on the floor and sobbed. Every emotion you could imagine came out. I was angry, confused, and devastated. Scott was out of town, so I had to break the news to him over the phone. Let me tell you, THAT WAS THE WORST. In that moment, I needed my best friend. I needed him to just bear hug me and let me sob into his shoulder. Well, he was in Texas so that wasn’t possible. We just wept together over the phone. Devastated. In that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit say “I see you, Ellie. I am still good, always good.” Jesus knows, friends. Jesus knew that is exactly what I needed in that moment to somehow pick myself up off the floor.

With our second IUI, I felt a little more prepared to receive the results. I remember thinking this could be the most amazing phone call of my life or another call with heart shattering news. Thankfully, I wasn’t working that day. Scott and I were together, the details of this call are more of a blur to me. Once I heard the words “negative,” I was quiet. I hung up the phone, and we just wept. We began asking all of the questions. What went wrong? Everything looked so good on paper. We felt so isolated in that moment, like we were the only ones feeling that pain — right where satan wanted us. I would be lying if I said I didn’t allow myself to unpack and settle into that sadness. I allowed that negative result to control the next few weeks of my life. I sunk into a sadness I had never experienced before. Yet, it is in those moments where Jesus comes in and rescues us. Jesus knows, friends. He met me right where I was in my sadness…right in the middle of my ugly-face crying. I experienced Him like I never had before. After the second failed IUI in January of this year, I knew I couldn’t handle another round of medicine (which literally made me a crazy person) and another potentially failed IUI. My heart couldn’t handle it. Scott and I spent a week praying and seeking God for what was next. We didn’t feel Him leading in any specific direction. We decided to take 3 months and just stop everything. Let me tell you, GAME CHANGER! I called it our sabbatical.

(Side note: If you’re in the middle of your infertility journey, I can’t encourage you enough to take a sabbatical. Pray about the amount of time. Obviously there is no magic number for the length of your break but trust me…the break is necessary. It was for me.)

Taking this break allowed our hearts and minds to shift focus from our infertility and to our Sustainer. The One who had been working all along, behind the scenes, in order to redeem our story. Jesus revealed more of Himself to me in those 3 months, restored my joy, and gave me a renewed hope. During those 3 months, we prayed about what would be next. For us, it was either more fertility treatments or adoption. We have ALWAYS wanted to adopt, but I’m almost embarrassed to say it wasn’t our first option. We just didn’t realize it was God’s first option for us.

Three months had gone by and we didn’t yet have any specific direction in mind, we just were finally at a place where we wanted what God wanted. We began casually researching different agencies around the country to wrap our minds around the adoption process. Our hearts and hands were completely open. We eventually found out about Faithful Adoption Consultants and couldn’t stop reading about them, scouring all of their social media posts, and experiencing overwhelming joy over each picture of a family, matched to a precious baby. We set up our initial phone call with them at the end of April, and prayed for clear answers from God. We hung up from the call, Scott and I looked at each other, and for the first time in a long time, we had tears of joy! Jesus knows.

Here we are 3 months into our adoption process.

Our home study was approved this week.

Our profile book was approved this week.

More than half of our money is raised.

We are only a few weeks out from being active! IS THIS REAL LIFE?

ONLY JESUS, FRIENDS. ONLY JESUS!

I would be lying if I told you I didn’t have fears in this process. I was telling a friend the other day that I feel like the “what if’s” and anxieties of adoption are the same “what if’s” and anxieties I would have if I were able to get pregnant. Anytime those fears creep in, I take a deep breath, say out loud “Jesus knows. He knows.” There is so much power and peace that comes when we say the name of Jesus. So, when those anxieties creep in, speak His beautiful name, out loud! I am excited to watch this journey of adoption unfold. It is so surreal that we are even in this process. Just today, I asked Scott “Has it hit you yet that we are going to have a baby soon?” We both just looked at each other and grinned like little kids on Christmas morning.

Jesus knows exactly where you are.

Jesus knows the tears you cry when you see that negative test.

Jesus knows the fears and anxieties that come along with adoption.

Jesus knows you by name.

Jesus knows every single detail about your body.

Jesus knows your dream is to hear a little one reach out and call you Mommy.

Jesus knows your deepest fears and greatest joys.

Jesus knows every single detail about the beautiful babies He has created just for you.

And you know what?

JESUS KNOWS AND LOVES OUR FLAWED, SINFUL, FEARFUL, ANXIOUS SELVES.

Rest in that today.

Jesus knows!

Shout out to Haley for taking these pics for our adoption profile book!
Photography: Deltalow