Here we are, 6 months after posting the most vulnerable blog to date. In October, we hit the 2 year mark. One surgery, two failed IUI’s, lots of tears, and still no baby.
Some days, I let those “facts” get the best of me.
However, a friend recently sent me a blog that knocked me right between the eyes…you know…one of those throat punches, heart pounding, hot face, teary conviction moments? (Here’s the blog if you care to read it)
BUT God used the words in this blog to allow me to completely refocus on this journey.
Here’s what got me…
“So stop getting angry with God because you don’t have it. Stop the foolish and selfish and entitled arguing with God. Quit the pleading, the begging, the waiting. He never promised it. Do you want God, or are you just going to God to get a man? Or success? Or kids?”
Dang. Why’d she have to say that?
That’s exactly what I’ve been doing the last two years. I’ve felt entitled to have my dream of motherhood fulfilled. I felt like I deserved it. I did “all the right things” to get to this point. I’ve said “if she can have a baby, why can’t I?” more times than I’d like to admit. I can sum all of that up into two words. SELFISH PRIDE. (Seems to be the common theme in my blogs…aka my life. It’s a process people. I’m working on it…)
In my foolishness, I’ve felt an obligation for God to answer my prayers the way I expect Him to. He HAS to answer my prayers this month…He HAS to give me the desires of my heart. He HAS to let this IUI work.
Friend, He doesn’t HAVE to do any of that. Yes, sometimes He choses to do those things, but sometimes He doesn’t. I have to come to accept that and be okay. If I’m honest, I’m trying to let the “sometimes He doesn’t” truth sink in.
“Hear me: Our God is a Giver of wonderful gifts of all natures. Marriage. Singleness. Kids. Family. Home. Money. Jobs. Success. Salvation. Sanctification. Holiness. Righteousness. Mercy. Grace. And they are exactly that: gifts. You never expect a gift. They are unexpected and unassumed. They are not promises. They are gifts.”
Phew. Read that again. Let that sink in.
Scott and I don’t really know what is next for us, but I’m daily trying to shift my focus…key word TRYING. (Like I said…It’s a process…okay? Let me be me.) I’m trying to be in the here and now. I’m taking a step back from trying to figure out what is next, and just refocusing on who God is, who I am in Him, and how I can truly know Him and His goodness. He is always good, even when what He is doing doesn’t seem good.
So…there you have it. That’s exactly where I am today. It’s ugly most days, but I’m just trying to be real and let you peek into Everyday Ellie.
** I’ve started an online community for women walking an unforeseen road to parenthood. Send me a message if you’re interested in joining. No one should walk this journey alone. I’d love to have you join!
Proud of you both and will pray intentionally about this. Had no idea. You don’t know how many people are blessed by you.
Your sTrength and vulnerability in this time is incredible to witness. You are truly shining god’s light and joy and making a difference in Many lives. Thank you for the conviCting word and challenge in this post specifically!!! I love you!!!!
Hi, I do not know you, but somehow ran across your blog. I just wanted to tell you, I have been where you are. And now, 18 years later i have 3 miracle children through adoption and 1 miracle biological 4 year old. It took lots of prayer and lots of focusing on christ before god began to show me how to walk through a very difficult time in our lives. I know the pain you are feeling and my heart aches for you. I was the girl with the baby doll always in my arms, even when other girls had stopped playing WITH dolls. And then I was the teen always babysitting and loving on every baby around. I have definitely been there. All that to say, GOD’s plans are often different than our own, but, looking back i would not change his plan for our family for anything! It was a journey, and every single step was painful and hard. Trust in GOD, he’s got this!
ElliE, I have know Scott since he was a little boy-love this family-my husband and i went throUgh thiS many years ago and understand-we Never had children but god has blessed us with so many children in our liVes-prayers fOr you
Dear ellie, I am so grateful your your willingness to share your struggle so that others can find the faithfulness of God in their struggle. I am proud of you and scott. I find in scripture that this longing, this struggle always has a story where in the end God is greatly glorified. Stand strong in Him. Keep buckled up and see what the lord can do.