If I were to let you peek into my brain the last month it would look a lot like this blog…because let’s be honest…I don’t keep a journal, otherwise I would’ve said “this is an excerpt directly from my journal pages”. I don’t have the endurance to write my thoughts out like that. That’s exhausting…and typing is faster.
Here is where I’ve been the last month, and figuring out how to connect what seems disconnected is really challenging me.
You know those truths that you’ve heard all of your life…and those little nuggets of truth you use to give advice to others.
“God is faithful”
“God’s timing is perfect”
“God is good”
“God uses our suffering to bring Him glory”
“God is sovereign”
“God will never leave you or forsake you”
“God will meet all of your needs”
I could go on and on and on with those short phrases.
Here’s where my problem is…
I know these phrases, and I believe them…but only when times aren’t hard. I know God is good, but I convince myself He is good only when things are smooth sailing. This journey of infertility has made me question every aspect that I’ve ever “known” about God. I cringe almost every time someone uses any of the phrases. I just want to shake my fist and say “I know He is all of those things, but just be mad with me for a moment. Let me complain. Feel bad for me.” (Maybe that was a little dramatic, but similar thoughts have crossed my mind)
What I am doing is turning to others, wanting them to forget who God is, and feel bad for me. Why? Because I’m a selfish, attention seeking individual. My selfish, prideful, ugly self is choosing not to allow God to be everything He says He is. I am not allowing God to reveal himself to me because I am choosing not to connect what I have disconnected on my own.
On Sunday, I had coffee with a dear friend. We are in completely different seasons of life, yet we are both struggling with the same concepts. It was a refreshing reminder that when you’re in the middle of a hard season (no matter what it is), God is often teaching others the same exact lessons even through different circumstances. Because of her encouragement and vulnerability with me, I had a recognition and realization about Christ’s suffering and my complete foolishness.
My Recognition: I have put Christ’s suffering on the cross in a category of its own. I have never equated it to anything I have walked through. He paid the ULTIMATE sacrifice. I will never endure what He endured.
My Realization: He endured the pain of loss, the pain of divorce, the pain of infertility, the pain of anxiety, the pain of depression, the pain of loneliness, the pain of regret, the pain of shame, the pain of EVERY HARD THING YOU WILL EVER ENDURE. I’ve heard similar concepts to this my whole life, but on Sunday, it all connected. It was a time-stopping, stare off in the distance, try not to look completely overwhelmed, “wow” moment.
HE SUFFERED FOR YOU AND FOR ME. He knows that exact pain you are feeling right now. He knows that hurt, that desire, that longing. He knows, and He is right there waiting for you!
Here is a paraphrase from Isaiah 53:2-6 (MSG) that describes His suffering.
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. And God has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on him, on him.
Why did I share all of this with you? Well…because I needed to get it out, and I believe someone needed to read this and have that “me too” moment I had on Sunday. Maybe this realization is silly to you, but it was a BIG moment for me. I challenge you to search for what is disconnected from your mind (what you know about Christ) and your heart (what you believe about Christ). For me, I found a huge disconnect, and I am asking God to connect the disconnected.
P.S. Remember that time I wrote my first blog and said I would write a blog every week? HAHAHAHA. Oops.
Hey, favorite DIL! :d You’re a mess! Just like the rest of us and we love you for it!
Just wanted to point out to you and Scott, that we have a high priest who empathizes with us. He has been tempted in every way we have yet never sinned (HeBrews 4:13). I believe as man he was tempted to marry. He was tempted to have children but was only Able to Hold others Children and bless them. Not that doing these things were a sin but he had one purpose and one only in becoming man and that was to die as a ransom for our sins. He came to do the will Of his father and nothing else. As god, he overcame all sin in order that we may know him. As man he was tempted in Every way that he may know us!
He knows what it is to not to have a child in order to bring many children to himself!
Thank you For Reminding us of his suffering. It was not only physical, but it was probably more emotional and spiritual than anything else.
Be encouraged with the rest of Us groaners. Jesus understands!
LOve your heart!
Beautifully written, Ellie! God does have a purpose in our pain and IF we let him, he can use it for his glory to bless or encourage someone else! Thank you for being the best you god created and for being transparent! 💗
Thank You Mrs. Penney! So thankful for you and your leadership!
This was truly a blessing Ellie…..I too needed this. Thanks for letting God use you.
Ellie~ I just love you to pieces sweet friend! 😊Thankful for you & our “Many girl Chats” over the years! No matter the miles Or time a part, im so blessed by your forever friendship & sister i have in you! Thank you for always being real, sharing from your heart, making me & so many others laugh & eNcouraging Me! Keeping You in my prayers! Our family Loves you & ScOtt dearly! Miss ya!